The long way to......

Cat knows...

2008-09-15T15:46:00.001+05:30

A dog is a friend of human beings. What about cat? We Japanese believes that cat can bring a lack to business. I guess that a cat is more like an inaccessible girlfriend to human beings. Still, there are some rare moments when a cat suddenly became all over you, which makes their existence so precious to you.

I like a cat. Dogs are cute but I prefer a cat. (They can chase mouse.)There was a happy encounter with a cat at one of my friends house. She is technically not my friend’s cat but she sleeps there and eats there. (Yes, a cat is so free!) She got pregnant and had babies this summer and we found out that she got pregnant again (Busy girl!). Yesterday, she delivered babies (it seems there are two of them) deep inside the closet of the friend’s place. According to my friend, she searched all over the place to look for the best place for delivering babies two or three days before.

I admire an instinct that those animals have! The cat knows what is best for her and babies, look for places and finally made a decision where to do her job. Look at me…..I cannot even make simple and supposedly easy choices in my life. I cannot even deal with trivial stuff which keeps happening in my life just because I have no clue what is best for me in a situation. If I were like her, the life would be much simpler.

I will make her my mentor. Should I get one of those fish that I got from Thailand for her?

think and act locally

2008-07-18T17:51:00.000+05:30

Found an interesting article from BBC.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7391742.stm
Children from weaker section of society in Patna are learning English through a radio program. This program, called Fun English, is 30-min program and four times a week . Not only it teaches English, but also it convey some of messages like hygiene or traffic rules.

This interesting project was launched in collaboration with US-based organization and USAid. The state government has given 1500Rs to each school to buy a radio.

I though that this is brilliant idea. Only 1500Rs per school! They do not need to install expensive devise or anything. One of the brilliance of this program is its effect compared with the amount of money which is required. 1500Rs per school! Of course, money are being spend on making a radio programs but these skills and ideas will be passed on to the Indian staff in the future and they could make a profit also.

Beside, with this program, children can listed the program even if a teacher does not show up to the classes.

When it comes to “development assistance”, I often felt the need for regional expert or someone who know the business in the country well in planning a program. It does not mean those expertise of “development experts” are not necessary but I think there should be a fine balance in using a personal or need a perceptional change in those experts. (At least, I think it is necessary for our country.)

It is not about how much you spend money or what kind of building or train or metro you built.

Science Minister Kapil Sibal mentioned interesting thing today in the climate change related seminar organized by ASSHOCHAM. He said something like those global companies who have high technologies need to think locally and act locally, if the technology is way too high and cannot reach to common men, the society would never change.

Yes, what we need is projects or technology which directs aam aadmi if they really want to change the society. Well, we cannot blame on companies which is based on market theory but I thought this applies to those development assistance.

Honestly, I hate those people who believe their developmental work is beautiful but never mingle with the society!

Ok...no room for excuse...

2008-04-10T22:18:00.003+05:30

When everyone even the chubby Kareena Kapoor is losing weight, I am still struggling to shed two kilos which I gained over the winter. According to Delhi Times (My daily dost along with evening Zoom news), Kareena’s weight is 49kg now. When she started Yoga, she was 60kg…..Sushmita gained some weight. Other popular actresses like Rani (Well, I think she is very charming, though.) or Vidya are still overweight, but….Kareena’s becoming skinny is something different….huh….Well…it is not something to write after having eaten a cup-noodle which my colleague brought from Singapore at 10:00pm at office, but but but I feel like I should do something about my body.

Apart from weight, Kareena Kapoor is someone I cannot ignore. I used to think she is ugly especially in Yuva. Her face is too long and she was fat. I did not like the way she speak. I though she was ridiculous in Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gamo. Still, I could not get my eye off from her…..I think it is time for me to admit that I sort of like her and accept the fact she sort of made it (well, she got all what most girls want; thin body, money and a guy). Well, one thing for sure is that I cannot use the excuse that I can show my leg cuz Kareena’s leg was huge in Don…..

Big Harry Fan?

2007-07-23T14:03:00.000+05:30

Though I was not one of those fans of Harry Potter, I watched all of the films after having watched the fifth film on Friday. Being eager to know the ending, I bought the latest book which was released on Saturday and went through half of the book.

One thing I am sure is that I can enjoy the plot the moment I read or watch but I still think I cannot call it great literature or anything. I admit that it is really well made in terms of marketing. Harry had a crush on the Chinese girl which is targeted at the huge Chinese market. There are girls who look obviously Indian or South Asian origin, it also has huge market.

I still believe books like Michael Ende (who wrote Momo and The Never Ending Story: ) contains a lot of important message of the life based on deep insights of the society, which Harry Potter does not provide. Yes, the friendship is important but we all know that.

Anyway, it is not my intention to criticize the book, in the end the series have made lots of people happy.

One article which interested me was “Harry Potter and the wizard of Bhopal” from Times of India (23rd July, 2007). Mr. Sudhir Dixit who is teaching English literature at some college in Bhopal has translated the series which are huge sell in India. He has translated the bestseller Who moved my cheese (yeah,,,I got one, too, hoping to get some clever tips of life). I admire his works which makes lots of people who do not know English can enjoy the book. In other words, he has been providing valuable opportunities to those people who have been deprived of chances of enjoying reading world famous or popular books just because they do not know English. Without someone who have translated those great works in Japanese, I would never be able to read them. However, Hindi speaking people should keep in their mind that it is not enough. For example, Momo is written in German. I think, those Hindi extremist should also focus on introducing world literature to Hindi speaking people not only focusing on writing something in Hindi….which seems to me always about some kind of sangarsh……

Maut

2007-06-15T10:57:00.000+05:30

The news of death of the grandson of M.K. Gandhi, Prof. Ramachandra Gandhi, appeared even in Japanese newspaper. M. K. Gandhi is probably one of the most famous Indian for Japanese. (Rests are Nehru, Chad (Sikh Singer who sang a hit song in Japanese and Tiger Jet Singh (Sikh wrestler) )

There was a nice piece by Sanjaya Baru, a media advisor to PM, on Hindustan times of 15th of June. Both of them were teaching at Hyderabad University. Prof. Ram said “I am a Gandhi, not Gandhian” when he declined the invitation from Dalit students for a function of Gandhi jayanti. And he resigned the university since the univ authority forcefully cut neem tree against his appeal not to cut.

I do not know anything about him, but he seems like who has humor at the time sarcastic…but have something like his strong will or belief at the bottom of his heart. If there is any resemblance with M. K Gandhi (though he hated village people came to see him whether he really looks like a statue of Gandhi), it is his strengths and belief in himself to carry out what he think is right.

Descendants of Nehru are still so active in politics. But I like a man who can quit his job for a tree much better than a man who visit villages only for votes!

literacy rate and child labour

2007-06-13T16:37:00.000+05:30

Bacause 12th of June is World Day Against child Labour, there were articles about child labour in papers. I, delibarately, refrain from arguing the topic here since I sort of changed my way of thinking about child labour after I came to India.

Anyways, there was a survey of % share of workers of child labour in Times of India. Surprisingly, the rate of that of Delhi is much smaller, 1.35 %, than I had expected. Which state has the highest rate? The answer is Sikkim(12.04%) and Mizoram(12.34%). According to the "States and Union Territories of India" (2005, Penguin Books India), literacy rate of Mizoram is 88.9 % and that of Sikkim is 68.8%. As for notorious Bihar, share of child labour is 4.68% and its litaracy rate is 47%.

What does it mean? Why the states which have one of the highest literacy rate have highest % of child labour?

Does that mean that there is a huge gap among the population?

I just hope every children can get a lot of love from parents, family, freinds and all.....

Jammu wala

2007-06-11T16:50:00.000+05:30

The former Miss Jammu has made a film about her sex scandal or video. Lots of people remember this Jammu-wala (and DPS wala, of course!) though it was about a year ago....

I have no opinion about her and the incident so far, but cannot forget what my freind said about her after watching the video.

"She is so hairy!"

mmm.....I am curious how hairy she is and where......

home

2007-04-10T20:20:00.000+05:30

Finally, after all these three years....I may be able to go back to home for two weeks.

Rembering how badly wanted to go back when I first reached here. Rembering how badly missed all of my freinds.....(I am afraid that they all forget me....) Remembering how badly missed going for shopping and eating my favorite foods. Remembering how badly wanted to go back to the place that I can feel relaxed and feel protected.........

These feeling have not changed at all now. The situation that I am not be able to go back to where I am from for three years made myself prettey miserable. I got emotionally distructed. I missed people I love. I missed them badly. I felt so lonely, I am feeling so lonely without anyone here. I miss my freinds. I miss freinds who can laugh together......I miss freinds who are always open to me....so that I do not need to protect myself to avoid getting hurt.

However....at the same time, I feel bit awkward to go back.

Well, it may be necesary for me to think what to do there to motivate myself!
First, I gatta e-mail all my freinds to inform that I am coming back.
Second, (if my freinds can get few days off) we should go to excursion for hot spring near Sendai.
Third, I should eat sushi as much as possible so that I do not need to eat them for another year.
Fourth, I gatta take my parents to somewhere, again hot springs, nearby.
...that's it?

The reason that I am scard to go back to Japan or to settle in Japan is that there are too much information. People are way too busy to run after those informations. Girls are way too busy to spend so much time to know what is hot in fashion, cosmetics etc etc from magazines. I think that we Japanese are lost in flood of information. We just lost ourselves. We are spending lots of time for unknown other who we have never met and forget about ourselvs. We are just struggling agaist something which does not exist but we here they exist somewhere and forget what does exist in front of our eyes.

It is so hard for me to battle here. But I sometimes feel that this is a great opportunity to face myself without being interefered by faceless information.

Should I go back or not?

law and rule

2007-03-17T09:12:00.000+05:30

An editorial in the Times of India, “We are the law” by Arun Misra caught my eyes. Not because the article was very good but because I had to think related things which happened at my office the previous day. The article starts with the remarks made by Meghnatd Desai, a political scientist, that even the Prime Minister’s car is fined by breaking rules in Britain. Mr. Misra throws a question to us “What should we citizens do when we are required to observe rules made for our convenience? Should we wait for our leaders to first learn to respect rules, or should we observe rules nevertheless?”

(http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/OPINION/Editorial/We_Are_The_Law/articleshow/1764166.cms)

I am indeed bothered by this “nobody keeps rules and those who keeps rules are stupid” culture. I am often offended, agitated, freaked out and ended up feeling so miserable. It is just one of the instances, but I often receive phone calls from someone who is a friend of my boss or secretaries of high officials of Gov of India. The other day, one secretary of one joint secretary of one ministry (not so important ministry, I am sorry) called me regarding about visa. I told him to talk to visa officer since I am not in charge of the matter. His demand was to issue visa in a day. (With all proper documents, you can get visa issued by next morning.) He kept telling me that he does not want to talk to a visa officer since his boss is a friend of my boss. (Well, I never heard of his name….) I managed to transfer the call to my colleague saying that our officer is very partial and they do not manipulate their power as Indians do. Later, I talked to my colleague what happened. He said “Simple, I said not to them. Because they are planning to visit our country in April and I do not see any reason why getting a visa tomorrow is a problem for them!” He continued “I even asked him like is your boss relative is in hospitalized or someone passed away? It sounds like an urgent matter! Then the man laughed and understood.”

Yes, we sometimes help these matters but only when it is really serious and urgent. According to the theory of Indian secretary, his boss should get a special treatment since he is in high position. However, we are working under the rules, which make us to provide equal service regardless of their position, casts, religion or gender….

I was bothered. It is easy to say that these Indians do not have civility or common sense. However, I well understand why they need to do this. Since rules are often manipulated and arbitrarily implemented in India so they are forced to do something which ensures their purpose. What surprised me as an civil servant (yes! We are servants for our tax payers!) is that in India, it is a right for one officer whether to issue, to approve, to sign for citizens whereas it is our duty to serve citizens in Japan. So, if you go to government office to get an official documents, it is your right to get it issued and it is a officer’s duty to issue it without delay. You do not need to cajole them, plea them, not to mention to give them money! In this situation, you do not need to be worried. You know that things will be done with proper documents that are required.

Well….in other words, “we are the law” in India….it is just in bad direction.

Rome is far away

2007-03-14T08:19:00.000+05:30

Hindi is like an Achilles’ heel. (Well…there are many other things but one of them.) I do not want to be talked about my Hindi especially at the office mainly because of the embarrassment. I know well that my Hindi is far away from what is supposed to be and I have no idea how long it will take, what is worse, there is neither incentive nor motivation for me now. It is different from enjoying Hindi films. Although there are some Hindi-speaking diplomats in our ministry, it is the reality that we do not use Hindi for official purpose much (almost zero). But it is also true that those who can speak Hindi well are successful at the same time. In other sense, we are also in a dilemma between Hindi and English as for some Indians. (Well, now days, everyone will go for English.) I felt helpless especially after I could not do well when my boss took me as translator in his meeting with Mylayam.

I took aHindi exam yesterday. We, young diplomats, have to take linguistic exam once a year to be checked out how we have achieved so far. I got so scared this exam. How can I understand an editorial without consulting a dictionary! I am even more scared to be revealed how bad my Hindi is officially. The result was…OK. However, what my senior told me was something different from what I thought.

He said that I am in a borderline between “I want to learn Hindi” and “I hate Hindi”. In my head, the base for mastering Hindi has been made up but I am not ready for building something on it. He also said that my reading comprehension is fine; I can understand easy articles ( of course, I need to work on to get more vocabulary) and my listening comprehension is also fine. However, I cannot reproduce what have been said or told by using my words in Hindi. (For example, I can understand Hindi film and discuss about it in Japanese and English but not in Hindi) In addition, I am not used to talking in Hindi. Therefore, he recommended me to read a small article from paper everyday and listen Aakashwani for 10-15min everyday to brush up. It may sounds normal to you. But what was surprising to me was he told me that my current level is OK and not depressing as I had expected. Rather what is more important is keep on going. I was ashamed myself not being able to master Hindi like my seniors therefore I almost gave up my Hindi. It was encouraging to hear from him that I do not need to be so hasty to master Hindi. It is more important not to give up and to be patient. (Yeah…it took more than 15 years to speak English and it is still far away from perfect.)

Rome cannot built in a day, huh?_

Koffee with Karan

2007-03-08T22:21:00.000+05:30

My recent secret behaviour is to watch Koffee with Karan on U-Tube. (I have a TV but I do not know how to use the newly installed device to watch them....help!) I am not a big fan of Karan's films. I think they are cheasy and pathetic. However, I am enjoying to watching the show somehow. Why is that?

For one reason, it is interesting to watch actors and actresses speak as we do. I am curious how they behave off the screen. How they speak (Do they really speak English?), what they are thinking and stuff. The other reason is that I want to watch someone is bitching about someone.

But I am just wondering...how long does it last? Karan will end up meeting with same old people and talk about same old things? Once is enough for listining to SRK is making a joke about the rumour that he is a gay and he sleeps with Karan. I am not that bitch that I want to listen bitchy talk over and over.

According to the filmfare I bought today, Karan in is NY writing his next film. (Why does he need to be in NY? To be inspired or to get away from the heat, dirt and powercut?) I hope he would do something different for the show next time....Cuz I am getting bored with them and nothing to watch after long and boring hour at my office!

not too late

2007-03-08T21:58:00.000+05:30

mmm....I gained two kg in a month which scared me and I decided to lose weight.What I did first is to order books from Amazon.co.jp. Less than a week by express delivery, I got those books about pilathis, how to make your legs look beautiful, how to do massage (for detox) and stuff. However....one book...caght my eyes. The title was like to lose weight without fighting.

As far as I remember, I have been constantly trying to lose weight in all my life. In joniour high school, I did not take lunch. I gained weight in high school, I stopped eating on the second year and got sick ended up going to hospital. I did not have lunch after that during my three years high school life and I was much thinner.

The book told me what I was doing was wrong for my body and my mind! (Yeah, you can say that. But you do not know the pressure that we Japanese girls are going through) When I want to lose weight, I just have a piece of chocolate and just fight against my hunger. According to the book, suger actually disturbs the level of insulin which disturbs my nerve and the control of appatite. It is more important to keep it in a certain level so that we can have serene wave of appatite. For this purpose, beans, brown rice, whole wheat or atta should be taken. ( I can eat as much as I can!) We should avoid taking too much fat, rice or white bread. And not suger! Suger is bad for us not because of calolrie but it distrubs our nerves inside brain!

Impressed with new way of thinking, I started (at least started trying) to eat well and eat things which are recommended in the book. Well, I do not lose weight much but I stopped eating too much sweets when I am working. There is not crazy, sudden and long lasting hunger. I think I am keeping normal hunger.

I do not know why I wrote about weight here. But..it might change my way of thinking or my mind by eating well. Cuz foods are all source of all our activities. (Hope it works for my rash!)

New Year Resolutions...

2007-01-02T19:16:00.000+05:30

Happy Happy new year!

Since my office has been closed for 6 days for end year and new year holiday, I have got time to write my blog again. But...nothing like philosophical or smart idea do not come up so far, I will simply make some new year's resolutions here knowing these resolutions never been successufuly carried out in my life so far.

1. Be positive and be patient about my job and start looking or preparing the next career.

2. Stop smoking. ( I have made it when I was 20, I can do it again!)

3. lose weight or do not put on weight. ( Already I gained 1kg...start from this small step.....)

4 . stop obsessing about my weight and stop critisizing other people's figure...(it is none of my business even Karina Kapoor thigh in DON looks like huge sausage to me...)

5. Most importantly, stop bitching about India......

6. (rather...my wish...) Go back to Japan for holiday for the first time in three years....

Wish everyone who read this blog have nice, wonderful and fruitful year!!!

excursion 2

2007-01-02T19:02:00.000+05:30

yes...I went to Chennai....oh, check out the flag...it is in Malaysia!

Viva la! China town.

I found my favorite food (rather sweet) in winter! I ate 2kg...

According to the guide book, Kuala Lumpur means muddy water or river...so this river is some sort of origine of city, I guess.

excursion

2006-12-10T14:16:00.000+05:30

some thoughts

2006-10-10T22:35:00.000+05:30

It has been a while since I wrote something on my blog.... I am not depressed but tired.
I envy people who are doing light job as internship or something.

The funny thing is that one of my friends has been so depressed, too.

My shrink, who are willing to talk to me from Japan, advised me not to take seriously what other people do or say.

My friend was also depressed by things which others said to her.

Anyways, I did attend management seminar which I am not interested in. There is one guy who has worked in an American company and a Japanese company. He talked how it was difficult for him to acquire Japanese work ethics...commitment and stuff.
He pointed out few of those qualities which foreigners are required to work in Japanese company. I do not want to introduce them here but surprising thing is I am finding it difficult to acquire them, too. Commitment to my boss! No way....

Well...my shrink also told me once that the value of older Japanese cherished has not been succeeded to younger generation. Listening the guy's lecture, I thought maybe an answer might lie in his lecture. I do not need to evaluate them or judge them. I just need to adopt them for my convenience......

Hope I can write more academic, intelligent or whatever…..

life goes on

2006-08-19T11:00:00.000+05:30

I am just so stressed out. I am living with wondering whether my life is OK or not.
Definetly...I am not happy about my current occupation. I feel bit of jealously seeing people who have better job....my colleague says that I look like having all the burdern and sadness of the entire world.

but...my life is not so bad except that I am not doing what I want to do.

It might be good to look at some of positive aspects of my current life.
Yeah..it is great to have source of income. I only need to pay bit (as much as
hostel fee of JNU) to live in my house. My resume would be look good after few years.
I can save money for schooling.

still...these things does not appease me.

Life goes on. I should move on, too. The only thing I am sure is that I will feel better if I can manage current job and situation. Yes...I hate my job but I just do not want to run away. I want to leave it someday with satisfaction that I could manage it but leaving job for something I want to pursue.

Himalayas

2006-06-06T09:10:00.000+05:30

I forgot to write about my trip to the Ananda in Himalayas last month. It was a request of my friend who came here all the way from Japan. We 27 girls are keep looking something by which we can be healed (yeah, mentally). She looked for in yoga and in meditation. (By the way, I met Yoga in the U.S five years ago. Different cultures in Asia still contact through perceptions of own image by West.)I brought my (sort of) life assignment with me there. I had lots of things to think. Since my thoughts are not yet cleared, I will just put some beautiful pictures here.

politicians and hair style

2006-06-01T21:04:00.000+05:30

Those two people have similar hair style....

what a real educator is....

2006-05-15T09:25:00.000+05:30

I found an interesting story from The Hindu, Metro Plus, this morning. An English translated book called “A life less ordinary” written by a domestic servant originally in Bengali is published. Urvashi Butalia is a translator. (Butalia is a founder of a publisher; Kali for women and writer of “The other side of silence” which deals with violence against women during the Partition.)

According to the article, the book was born like this. Her employer who owns many books including Bengali written books one day asked her whether she would like to read books. Since she could read and write, she soon started reading many books. One day, he gave her a notebook and pen and recommended her to write something…..

The most interesting part was that this employer is Pradodh Kumar, the grandson of Premchand!! Wow…..He was a professor. I think he is a real educator. I would like to read out this story to many of teachers of JNU.

Commitment and disappointment

2006-05-14T09:38:00.001+05:30

Again……Times of India likes to talk about casual sex among young people. There was an article about this before and again I found similar article this morning. Thinking about TOI is a paper which is widely favorably read by middle-class Indians, this topic seems like their favorite topic or concerned issue these days. (Or my concerned issue…)

It is said that it is now cool to keep virginity in the US. On the other hand it is cool to be sexual adventurous in India. Those young girls seek nothing serious in relationships and it is uncool to be sexually inexperienced. It is said the one fourth of call center employees have regular casual relationships. (Should I work there, too?)

TOI analyzes reasons of this behavior of young girls that those girls who got self-confidence by financial independence brought by booming jobs like call centers or marketing seeks new life style influenced by a media as “The Sex and the City”. It is also the reason that they have a carpe diem philosophy that they should have fun in early 20’s since they will get married with someone chosen by parents in the end.

It is not like I want to against their life style or anything. I just feel that what do we learn from experiences which do not involve emotional attachment, distresses or commitment? It is true that those emotional things make our life complicated. According to the article, one guy said that his “girlfriends” in mid-20 spend their time with other guys till he get free when he says he is too busy to see them. Yeah, it sounds like rational. But I cannot help wondering that is it the real flavor of the relationship spending one night suffering from mental agony? Is it the real pleasure of spending time wondering whether a guy really likes me or not? (Yes, it is suffering!)

I think that this shallow attitude is not only about the relationship. It can be applied to other things related to life especially like a job. I heard that it is common to switch jobs among youths these days when they simply did not like it. It is difficult and emotionally tough thing to peruse our own carrier wondering whether this is really a job for ourselves suffering with reality that there is no such a job easily available for us. It is always required to see the balance (or compromise) among own ability, job availability and what we want to do in our life. Of course, it is difficult to get them. No one is happy about their job in the first place and even those who were happy in the beginning will suffer anyway. We are required to keep making efforts, hunting for new chances and at the same time dealing with responsibilities accompanied with current jobs. This really is suffering process. We are required to devote ourselves emotionally and physically. It is exhausting process.

I understand that why they wont to avoid commitment in relationships or in carrier. Because commitment always involves with disappointment. Commitment does not assure that we will get what we want. It often ends up with disappointment and emotional hurt in the short run. The more we commit our time, efforts, emotion etc, the more it hurts when we cannot get satisfactory results. It is simple; if we stop committing ourselves emotionally and physically towards life, we would never get distressed.

Some people may thing I am old-fashioned. Or I am not good at handling with life being always struggling. It may be true. But I just simply want be a person who does not fear those disappointments in life. Maybe those realtionship experience makes us capable dealing with those life difficulties.

Existence

2006-05-02T20:55:00.000+05:30

Human being might be an animal which keeps doubting and thinking about meanings of its existence. I just wonder why we, or I, cannot help proofing own existence something as significant. Why we, or I, cannot be happy about who I am?

I happened to encounter a book called “Confessions of an Indian women eater” by Sasthi Barata the day before yesterday. I was just curious to know how Indian guy perceives sex. (yeah, stupid motivation) However, it turned out be a good book (much better than I expected). It is fun to read, definitely. There are elements which usually excite reader as sex, booze or moving around Europe. But the book contains more than that. In addition, the book was not overtly Indian. I mean the author did not over emphasize his Indianess that much. (I think some of Indian English novels use Indianess too much as using Western myth or orientalistic image like religious and traditional stuff)

It might be possible to see the story as an individual struggle to deal with dislocation feelings and struggle to seek meaning of his existence. He did try to find it out by sleeping around. (I know my interpretation is partial and could do more deep analysis.)

I never thought about losing my social belongings (well, there is not so strong social belongings in Japan compared with India, though) or dislocation could distract me as such. It may be because I am so emotionally attached person. Or it could happen to everyone. Words cannot express the feeling of losing my space in a society. It deprives my identity (it could be that my identity was so small from the beginning) and makes me doubt my existence. After reading this book (while reading this book), I kept thinking how I can deal with dislocation feelings. Dislocation made Upamanyu Chattarjee to write novels and give a birth to Agastya Sahib in Indian literature world. Some may go for drinking. Some may go for sleeping around. Some may go for marriage. But none of them suits me. One thing I know is that I am the one responsible for finding it out. If Amit, the protagonist, could find way out, I guess I can do. It just that it does not happen in a flash.

Good bye to my little dinosaur

2006-04-23T22:54:00.000+05:30

It was probably one of those rainy days when a little dinosaur suddenly showed up in front of me. I, at that time, was lonely as usual. It said to me without showing any expression, “I need a place to stay.” I just welcomed this little visitor out of my loneliness. Or I was that desperate to be with something.

This dinosaur, I do not know where it is from, is always hungry. At first, I was happy to feed it probably because it gives me some kind of feeling that I am doing something.

This dinosaur, I do not know what it really wants to do, starts kicking me when it cannot get what it wants to eat. It kicks me so hard that I am always given in to feed it whatever it wants. Sometimes I needed to cross the Ocean to get a huge and extinct fish with two wings. One time, I climed up a mountain to get a blue shinny apple which we cannot get where I live. I did steal Mr. Tanaka's dearist gold fish from his pond. I did all these because to feed what it wants would help me from the physical pain. But also I could get a feeling of achievement. I did not mind to look for food at all. I was rather happy and willing to do it.

Our funny and painful dependency lasted for how long, I cannot remember. It feels like more than ten years ago or the day before. The demand from this dinosaur has been getting bigger and bigger. The pain it gives me is getting bigger and bigger. How can I make it satisfied? I am at a loss. Many time, I thought about asking to leave. Thinking about telling this, I got scared. There will be nothing to do if it will be gone! I do not know what to do in whole day! I am strong believer of doing nothing is evil. The mere thought that I have nothing to do for next day just kills me. I am scared of losing my routine job.

It rains today, too. I made up my mind this morning. I did tell the dinosaur to leave. It refused. I decided not to feed anything. It resists. It is attacking me all the possible way it can think of. But I made up my mind on this rainy day that I won’t give in. I won't feed anything anymore. It hurts. It really does. But I will go through this pain. It won't leave me. But I know it will be disappeared, if I do not feed it. It will be gone if I do not give anything to survive.

The dinosaur did not came from somewhere. I gave a birth to it.

cannot believe.....

2006-04-17T06:53:00.000+05:30

My Korean friend came back form a three-weeks trip to Thailand. I asked him “how was it?” He told me that he did not want to come back because people are so nice smiling all the time and foods are cheap and good.

I, on the other hand, was attacked by a beggar girl who was selling Tehlka. I said I do not want it to her. Then she scratched me three times by her nails. I got a scratch …..what is wrong with this country!

Honestly….I sometimes think that living in India makes me a vicious person. I wish I could live in a place where I can smile to strangers.

patience...

2006-04-09T17:02:00.000+05:30

“To many of those people, articulate as they were, the great loss was the loss of language-that they could not say what was in them to say. You have some subtle thought and it comes out like a piece of broken bottle. They could, of course, manage to communicate but just to communicate was frustrating. As Karl Otto Alp, the ex film star who became a buyer for Macy’s, put it years later, “I felt like a child, or worse, often like a moron. I am left myself unexpressed. What I know, indeed, what I am, becomes to me a burden. My tongue hangs useless.” The same with Oskar it figures. There was terrible sense of useless tongue, and I think the reason for his trouble with his other tutors was that to keep from drowning in things unsaid he wanted to swallow the ocean in a gulp: Today he would learn English and tomorrow wow them with an impeccable Fourth of July speech, followed by a successful lecture at the Institute for Public Studies.”

-Bernard Malamud, “The German Refugee” in Idiots First (Dell, 1963)

Still can have some fun!

2006-04-06T15:34:00.000+05:30

partying in Mumbai!

where my anger comes from?

2006-04-05T21:22:00.000+05:30

My emotional anguish is getting out of control these days. It appears as a sudden burst of anger. I just want to know how I can calm my anger and have peaceful life again.

Maybe it is necessary to find out where it came from. Then I can remove the cause which is creating the pain. Or I can get a tip to how to live with the pain.

Yes. I know where it comes from. But it is impossible to remove it. I cannot do anything but adjusting since it is already there. Leaving is not the answer. The answer is to find a way to adjust. But I cannot help thinking that I wish I could erase all my memories from my brain. Every single word comes back to me again and again with more harshness. I wish I could just forget all of them.

I am so frustrated. I am so frustrated that I started to blame others. I started thinking it is all because of this bad posting! All Indians are hostile to me! My life sucks! I have all right reasons to get angry!

Wrong, wrong, wrong. I am the one who creates problems and make myself diminished.

I just want to get my self-esteem, self-respect and myself back. Maybe…the answer is in trying to make myself happy and cheer myself up. No more emotional craps on this blog.

English....

2006-03-29T10:11:00.000+05:30

If writing can be a consolation to one’s pain, I think I should write this to console me even if this piece of article is a total self-complacency.

My friend’s casual comment about non-English speaking students learning in English somehow bothered me or hurt me knowing there was no such a vicious intent. It was about we, non-English speaking or native, are much in better position in learning in English compared with Indians learning in Chinese or French. I was rather sad to hear this than getting furious. There is no difference between non-English speakers learning in English and English speakers learn in other languages in terms of both are new and foreign.

I have been bothered by this insensitivity towards us learning in English in India ever since I came here. It was much better in the US, I guess. People may laugh at my funny English but have never looked down on me in that senes. And there was an understanding that I do not speak English because I am from Japan and am trying to master it.

The reason might be related to the fact that an education in English is prestigious in India rather than an education in mother tongue. That might be the whole reason of this insensitivity or making fun of it.

As for my own encounter with English, it was when I was twelve at a junior high school when I first learned alphabets. I still remember the first dialogue in my English textbook. It was “Hello, My name is Yumi Araki”, “Hi, My name is Mike Davis,” “Nice to meet you” and “Nice to meet you, too”. The next chapter was about Yumi, a Japanese girl, introduced her friend Ken to Mike. There were English classed twice or three times a week. But that’s it. In Japan, the education in conducted in Japanese even in the higher education like universities. Therefore, I had my education in Japanese throughout my life except one year in UC and two years in JNU.

It is true that Japanese are less competitive in the field of academics or whatever due to lack of ability of English. In addition, I should not use the fact that I did not have an education in English as an excuse for my bad English or for not being able to use the article properly . But at the same time, we rather I, should not forget about efforts of Japanese who tried to make Japanese language develop to the level that we can have higher education in mother tongue. Before and after the Meji Restoration, new western ideas which never had existed were flooded into Japan. Japanese thought hard to make up new Japanese words which can convey the meaning of those new ideas. For example, the four Chinese characters which mean the Communism and Democracy were invented at that time. Now, Chinese people use that word in China where those characters are originally from.

I guess what I can do is to be proud of my ability of Japanese and at the same time to keep brushing up my English . In this sense, Ha Jin is a role model for me. He teaches me that it is not too late to do that and I can make it someday. In addition, I need to remember those exciting feeling of learning new language, which I felt before.

Or whole this obsession comes from my own weakness. Because my wrong side is winning. If I were much stronger, I would not be bothered by what other people think.

nationalism

2006-03-19T17:49:00.000+05:30

I got fever after the food festival. I am tired....

Is there anyone who realized that we did not have national flag in our stall? Other countries displayed their national flag but we did not.

The reason is simple. The national flag and national anthem of Japan are controversial in East Asia and Southeast Asia (in Japan, too) due to Japanese imperialism in the past. The flag was and still is a symbol of Japanese nationalism and imperialism for lots of people. Imagine that Germany is still using the Nazis flag as a national flag. We did not use the flag to avoid evoking anti-Japanese feeling from other international students. (Koreans and Chinese, mainly...)

I consider myself as one of anti-nationalists (in theory). My family never had the national flag. Never sang national anthem. I still remeber my parents were sitting and protesting against forcing students to sing national anthem at my graduation ceremony of elementary school. I did protest by sitting at high school. And 90% of students protested to sing national anthem at graduation ceremony.

It may sound like strange to most of people. But those who oppose the national flag and the anthem are not opposing to have a national flag or song. We are opposing to use the flag and song which were used as a symbol of Japanese imperialism.

I sometimes feel jealous of those who are proud of where they are from. But at the same time, I like being myself not nationalistic. People may think that we lack of sense of national identity. Yeah....true. However, the situation of lacking national identity or doubting national identity actually made me easily to be familiar with and accept ideas of post-modernism.

The thing is....I guess most of Korean and Chinese students did not realized the absence of the Rising sun-flag.....

Hindi film and me: Reconciliation?

2006-03-12T21:35:00.000+05:30

I thought I should write about reasons why I get to enjoy Hindi films now. But then… I feel like it is kind a boring and wondering I should write or not. It is simply because I have gotten to know about India bit and I am get used to the patterns of Hindi films. The major reason I watch comes from the belief that I can get an idea of Indian society because films reflect what people want to see. Of course, it is to learn Hindi.

Well…, I just gonna write a few comments about Hindi films.

Girls are icky. They are overreacting and pretending to be too nice…no, the word innocence is better. Come on, take off your mask and be yourself! That is what I always feel. Also, they scream too much.

Some of films lack originality. They just imitate Hollywood style and story.

But I should admit that I am enjoying watching them.

Someone told me that a guy who enjoyed seeing Hindi film so much during his study in JNU stopped watching them once he got back to Japan. Hope, it won’t happen to me…

the crazed: Ha Jin

2006-03-10T23:52:00.000+05:30

Another Ha Jin's worth reading book! (Doesn’t it sound like one of those reviews from　American newspaper?)

The setting is around the time of students' protests at the Tianmen Square when the Chinese students demonstrated against corrupted Chinese Communist party officials demanding democracy. The story begins with when the protagonist's（Jian Wan） father-in-law is hospitalized because of stroke.

This novel follows the tracks of change of Jian’s inner way of thinking about his life; career, relationship, politics, own country etc in the course of nursing with the father-in-law who is also Jian’s professor. In other words, it is a story about how Jian finds himself.

The underlying theme of the story seems to be similar with “In the Pond” as ordenary people’s reaction against the system (the system of the Communist Party). It deals not only with political aspects but also follows a lots of human feelings, which excites readers. The way he writes and the setting are fascinating!

He develped his writing skill much better than “In the Pond”. ( It is obvious by seeing how many times I consulted dictionary in this book) So you could see his development as English writer. But I guess the real test ground for Ha Jin as a writer has just began. People enjoyed his novels because the stories of ordinary Chinese people were new to foreign readers. Grasping readers wants more than Chineseness once they get used to it.

Still, I like his novel since it gives me a courage to keep studying English since non-native English speaker can write such an awsome novel!

crash

2006-03-10T19:08:00.000+05:30

Anybody who has spent some time in the city of Angle will see this film as something relate with them. It is not about somebody’s matter but could be anybody's daily lives in LA.

This film deals with a racial situation in LA. It shows racial segregation and lack of understanding toward others with funny and ironical story. LA is the city where white people are not majority population although the images of white culture as Hollywood, Santa Monica or Beverly Hills are so strong (especially for foreigners). Each race lives separately and usually does not mix up with each other.

The first part of the film, each character, black, white, Mexican, Asian (It usually means East Asian in American context.) and Iranian expresses their own view about other races and themselves in their own languages. Their life is far away from each other even if they live in next block. Occasionally, their life meets on the street, usually with unpleasant.

People in LA do not mention inappropriate things about race because they know that they should leave them unsaid. But the reality is that the discriminately ideas lie deeply in their minds and spill out when they get feel feared, mad or emotional distracted. The film well depicts it.

However, the film was not so dismaying to me though it brought helpless feeling. What director shows was that everyone is same in terms of relationship with others like family or friendship. White “racist prick” police officer, black police officer, Iranian family…they care their family and suffer from. Is it called humanity? Sounds like I am naïve, but that was the impression I have got.

Everyone thinks that discrimination based on race is not morally appropriate. But the reality is thatI cannot deny I assume some roles assinged to particular race. I cannot deny that I feel safe in white or Asian neighborhoods. I wear a mask that I am harmless Asian in LA and I know I will be fine as long as I am wearing it.

I cannot make any comment about the Oscar and this film since I have not watched other films.

Hindi film and me : Discord

2006-03-09T20:44:00.000+05:30

The year 2004 was a year for me to start engaging India. A real encounter with Hindi film started this year.

The first Hindi film was Dil Se. My Hindi teacher showed it, I guess, seeing my reluctance with learning Hindi.

Although I had some interest in the film, there were many things which I disliked.

One: Sharukh Khan was stalker. Everyone! He sneaked to watch Manisya is taking bath!!!!!

Two: How can people dance on the moving train? They will fall!

Etc, etc….

Teachers showed me lots of Hindi films. For example, Sholay, Mr,420, Mr and Mrs, Ayar, Jaagte raho, Satajit Ray’s film(It is Bengali, though), Bawandar….. I liked some of artistic films but I did not like commercial film at all!

The worst one for me was Dil de chuke sanam because of Salman and Ajay. I got scared to go to live in India by watching this film.

In the year 2004, my relationship with Hindi films was hostile. The reason was because I did not try to understand cultural context of films. I did hate everything about India including film. The more importantly, I was not attracted to any of actors.

It took for me one and half year to get enjoy Hindi films. I watched Lakhsya and HumTum right after I came here, but still I could not enjoy them. I thought the Lakhsya was too nationalist, macho, brotherhood film and could not understand why Rani was dancing with half-sleeve in winter in Netherlands.

What happened to me to get enjoy Hindi films?

To be continued…..I hope

Festival.....??

2006-03-09T19:22:00.000+05:30

I went to the Northeast cultural festival with my freind yeasterday. It has held in Pragati maidan for a week.

Before going, I checked an ad of the festival. The interesting thing is that the ad are different from English newspaper and Hindi one. The ad in English paper is consisted of pictures of "tribal" people. Then the ad in Hindi paper is of picture of Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi. I do not know where the difference comes from. If someone knows, please let me know.

Anyway, the excitment of the festival was so high between my freind and me. We both skipped a meal so that we could eat foods from Northeast.

Disappointment struck us right after we entered. There were few people..... The entire place was like sleeping. But we tried to make ourselves optimistic at that moment.

Another disappontment hit us when we saw the food sold there was Rajma and rice...the name of the stall was the Ashoka.....

But we still tried to keep our mind high expecting something might happen. Because it is a festival!

But nothing happened.

The camera was used to take only one picutres from the festival but it was used to take pictures of Bihar's imaginary flyover.....Is that means that seven sisters plus Sikkim are not attractive/interesting than Bihar? Well....I honestly say...8 states could not attract me more than the flyover at that day in Pragati maidan......

Hope the festival would be much better next year. I recommend them to have food stall which definetly attracts lots of people! Who wants to eat Daal in Pragati maidan?

Hindi film and me: encounter

2006-03-07T20:58:00.000+05:30

I guess the time has come to look back a relationship between Hindi films and me. (too early?)

An encounter with Hindi film was...I still cannot forget that event...when I was a freshman of my university . It was the first semester and I took one class called "language and culture of the 20th century". It was an introductory class and guest lectures who were expert of particuler countries had lectures everyweek and we were required to submit a report. There were lectures as German poet Kirke, the American English etc etc....None of my classmates took this class since it was recommended to take a computer class instead. One day, I went to class as usual alone. The lecture was about India that week.....

The professor was expert of South India, espically about Hinduism. But he came to class excited and showed Indian film to us.

It was shock to me!

It took time for me to understand this is a film! Very submissive, quiet but pretty girl felt in love with middle aged chubby guy, whom does not looks like hero for me. And she was rescued by him from gangsters. Suddenly, they started singing a song in a place with lots of flowers and stuff. In fighting scene, this chubby guy was jumping and sometimes was riding a caw, which I thought no human beings can such a move.

I thought that the film was not sophisticated. Too simple and pictures were not beautiful compared with my favorite French or Chinese films. But one thing was sure that everyone laughed and enjoyed it including me.

Later, I came to know that this chubby is famous actor called Rajinikant from South India.

It can be called encounter with strange or unknown for me. Of course, I did not expect that I would end up watching Hindi films and enjoying them in my life at that time. Life is full of surprise!

But...there was still long way for me to get enjoy Hindi films since then. I did not watch any of them for 5 years after that till Dil se which I saw in my Hindi class.....

If I feel like....to be continued.......

Image of India

2006-03-04T13:58:00.000+05:30

My freind told me that there is an article in Japanese magazine (which is more like gossip not like authentic political one) about a rape incident in Embassy of India in Tokyo.

The story is as follow.
A Japanese college girl went to apply for Visa and asked to wait a room inside Embassy. Then, a guy who looks like middle of thirty and who is called Yadav came. They started chatting. Suddenly, this Mr. Yadav took off his pants and asked to her to sleep with him. He forced her to put his "thing" in her mouth and ejacurated there. (sorry, if it is not appropriate in blog....) The girl went home with crying. Mr. Yadav kept sent her sms like I love you after the incident.

The credibility of the incident is not clear due to diplomatic immunity.

Well, it is a scary story but I kinda felt like laughing. Mr. Yadav....... Is he Bihari?

I think the image of India is not good nor does not reflect reality in Japan. All the imformation we got there is distorted either chaotic India or religious India like Gandhi or Bhudda. Therefore, most of reguler travellers avoid visiting here and only those backpackers or strange people are gathered here from Japan.....

Something should be done so that my freinds change their minds to visit here!!!

By the way, when I started to learn Hindi, my teacher told me the phrase which is the most useful in India.

"Rahene do"

She told me to use it since lots of guys will try to talk to me.

However, I have never used this phrase except to perstering beggers. Is it a good thing or bad thing? Am I lucky or should I be happy about it? I am still wondering.......

2006-03-03T17:45:00.000+05:30

My Hindi exam was over yesterday so I went to see the Memoirs of Geisha. It is not like I wanted to watch the film because of the story but I wanted to see Zhang Ziyi and other actresses playing Geisha.

The film was....it was long and kind a slow. Not to mention, the story is cliche....I mean the another orientalistic stereotype of Japan like The Last Samurai. But I like this film rather than Samurai one due to the actors and actresses. Imagine how odd Tom Cruise plays a samurai. (It is more odd that the film was welcomed by applaud by most of Japanese...)

The Chinese actresses are all my favorite ones. ( I have this weird belief that Chinese women are beautiful) Especially, Kong Lee was great. She could act a women who has a pride with her beauty and talent but at the same time always being scared. She did act so well that the role did not become a women who just jealous Sayuri.

I heard that there are some criticism among Japanese that it is wrong that Chinese play Japanese women. I wanna say that this is bull shit. This kind of essentialistic argument is based on the assumption that there is something undoubtful or definit "Japaneseness" among Japanese. Well, pronunciation of Japanese is bit different, yes, but there is nothing wrong other than that in the film. I mean, I do not know how to behave when I wear Kimono. (Never wore them in my life.) It is not like I know how to behave as what they call "genuin Japanese" by nature, rather that kind of thing does not exist. Japanese should admit that there are no actress who can play that role.

Other things...everyone looked so skinny in the film which surprised me.....I guess it is because I am not get used to see Indian actresses who are relatively chabby in international standard. Haha, actually, I now think that Indian girls are healthy than East Asians. East Asians should stop thinking about losing weight.

I would say that this film is not worth paying money to watch honestly. They could have made the film shorter by cutting some scene of childhood. Moreover, the ending was.....I thougt it was pathetic. I mean....well that is great that Nobu-san was found of Sayuri for long time. He was her "Daddy-Long-Legs"! But....so what?!