The long way to......

essays about my daily life. It will be something about India since it makes me happy and bothers me a lot.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Good bye to my little dinosaur

It was probably one of those rainy days when a little dinosaur suddenly showed up in front of me. I, at that time, was lonely as usual. It said to me without showing any expression, “I need a place to stay.” I just welcomed this little visitor out of my loneliness. Or I was that desperate to be with something.

This dinosaur, I do not know where it is from, is always hungry. At first, I was happy to feed it probably because it gives me some kind of feeling that I am doing something.

This dinosaur, I do not know what it really wants to do, starts kicking me when it cannot get what it wants to eat. It kicks me so hard that I am always given in to feed it whatever it wants. Sometimes I needed to cross the Ocean to get a huge and extinct fish with two wings. One time, I climed up a mountain to get a blue shinny apple which we cannot get where I live. I did steal Mr. Tanaka's dearist gold fish from his pond. I did all these because to feed what it wants would help me from the physical pain. But also I could get a feeling of achievement. I did not mind to look for food at all. I was rather happy and willing to do it.

Our funny and painful dependency lasted for how long, I cannot remember. It feels like more than ten years ago or the day before. The demand from this dinosaur has been getting bigger and bigger. The pain it gives me is getting bigger and bigger. How can I make it satisfied? I am at a loss. Many time, I thought about asking to leave. Thinking about telling this, I got scared. There will be nothing to do if it will be gone! I do not know what to do in whole day! I am strong believer of doing nothing is evil. The mere thought that I have nothing to do for next day just kills me. I am scared of losing my routine job.

It rains today, too. I made up my mind this morning. I did tell the dinosaur to leave. It refused. I decided not to feed anything. It resists. It is attacking me all the possible way it can think of. But I made up my mind on this rainy day that I won’t give in. I won't feed anything anymore. It hurts. It really does. But I will go through this pain. It won't leave me. But I know it will be disappeared, if I do not feed it. It will be gone if I do not give anything to survive.

The dinosaur did not came from somewhere. I gave a birth to it.


Blogger xanjukta said...

wow! and you say you learnt english only much later in life...

9:47 AM  

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