Good bye to my little dinosaur

It was probably one of those rainy days when a little dinosaur suddenly showed up in front of me. I, at that time, was lonely as usual. It said to me without showing any expression, “I need a place to stay.” I just welcomed this little visitor out of my loneliness. Or I was that desperate to be with something.

This dinosaur, I do not know where it is from, is always hungry. At first, I was happy to feed it probably because it gives me some kind of feeling that I am doing something.

This dinosaur, I do not know what it really wants to do, starts kicking me when it cannot get what it wants to eat. It kicks me so hard that I am always given in to feed it whatever it wants. Sometimes I needed to cross the Ocean to get a huge and extinct fish with two wings. One time, I climed up a mountain to get a blue shinny apple which we cannot get where I live. I did steal Mr. Tanaka's dearist gold fish from his pond. I did all these because to feed what it wants would help me from the physical pain. But also I could get a feeling of achievement. I did not mind to look for food at all. I was rather happy and willing to do it.

Our funny and painful dependency lasted for how long, I cannot remember. It feels like more than ten years ago or the day before. The demand from this dinosaur has been getting bigger and bigger. The pain it gives me is getting bigger and bigger. How can I make it satisfied? I am at a loss. Many time, I thought about asking to leave. Thinking about telling this, I got scared. There will be nothing to do if it will be gone! I do not know what to do in whole day! I am strong believer of doing nothing is evil. The mere thought that I have nothing to do for next day just kills me. I am scared of losing my routine job.

It rains today, too. I made up my mind this morning. I did tell the dinosaur to leave. It refused. I decided not to feed anything. It resists. It is attacking me all the possible way it can think of. But I made up my mind on this rainy day that I won’t give in. I won't feed anything anymore. It hurts. It really does. But I will go through this pain. It won't leave me. But I know it will be disappeared, if I do not feed it. It will be gone if I do not give anything to survive.

The dinosaur did not came from somewhere. I gave a birth to it.

cannot believe.....

My Korean friend came back form a three-weeks trip to Thailand. I asked him “how was it?” He told me that he did not want to come back because people are so nice smiling all the time and foods are cheap and good.

I, on the other hand, was attacked by a beggar girl who was selling Tehlka. I said I do not want it to her. Then she scratched me three times by her nails. I got a scratch …..what is wrong with this country!

Honestly….I sometimes think that living in India makes me a vicious person. I wish I could live in a place where I can smile to strangers.

patience...

“To many of those people, articulate as they were, the great loss was the loss of language-that they could not say what was in them to say. You have some subtle thought and it comes out like a piece of broken bottle. They could, of course, manage to communicate but just to communicate was frustrating. As Karl Otto Alp, the ex film star who became a buyer for Macy’s, put it years later, “I felt like a child, or worse, often like a moron. I am left myself unexpressed. What I know, indeed, what I am, becomes to me a burden. My tongue hangs useless.” The same with Oskar it figures. There was terrible sense of useless tongue, and I think the reason for his trouble with his other tutors was that to keep from drowning in things unsaid he wanted to swallow the ocean in a gulp: Today he would learn English and tomorrow wow them with an impeccable Fourth of July speech, followed by a successful lecture at the Institute for Public Studies.”

-Bernard Malamud, “The German Refugee” in Idiots First (Dell, 1963)

Still can have some fun!

partying in Mumbai!

where my anger comes from?

My emotional anguish is getting out of control these days. It appears as a sudden burst of anger. I just want to know how I can calm my anger and have peaceful life again.

Maybe it is necessary to find out where it came from. Then I can remove the cause which is creating the pain. Or I can get a tip to how to live with the pain.

Yes. I know where it comes from. But it is impossible to remove it. I cannot do anything but adjusting since it is already there. Leaving is not the answer. The answer is to find a way to adjust. But I cannot help thinking that I wish I could erase all my memories from my brain. Every single word comes back to me again and again with more harshness. I wish I could just forget all of them.

I am so frustrated. I am so frustrated that I started to blame others. I started thinking it is all because of this bad posting! All Indians are hostile to me! My life sucks! I have all right reasons to get angry!

Wrong, wrong, wrong. I am the one who creates problems and make myself diminished.

I just want to get my self-esteem, self-respect and myself back. Maybe…the answer is in trying to make myself happy and cheer myself up. No more emotional craps on this blog.